Why I Can't See August: Osage County

“She was a woman profoundly disappointed with life and
determined to make everyone around her suffer for it.”  - Meryl Streep

She nailed it in one sentence spoken in an interview with
the cast of the recently released August:
Osage County.  An amazing cast of talent appearing in,
most likely, a quality production.  But,
one I just do not believe I can sit through. 
It would be too close to home…too soon after my mother’s passing.  Critics write the audience will love the
humor.  If you live it, there is nothing
funny about it.

My mother was deeply disappointed with life.  She never could find healing from the
alcoholism and abuse from my grandfather.  
She refused to even try….she only punished the rest of us day to day,
moment to moment for her past.  Her anger
was biting in jabs delivered…judgment served…and at times physical swipes. I
have attempted to process all of this for years upon years.

I longed to be one of those mother-daughter duos who
lunched, shopped, and went to movies together. Who loved to hear the other
laugh…who ran to wipe away the tears…who respected decisions made…

It was never to be.

After I ran from home as a college student, only to
occasionally return, I spent one hour every week on the phone listening to her
talk.   The extent of my conversation was
to say “Uh,huh,” every now and then. 
Most often, the conversation ended because she began a vicious attack
against someone in the family…and I could only take so much.  But, for some reason, I believed I had to at
least do this. If I wasn’t going to go visit, then I had to listen to
venom for one hour a week in order to feel
like I was a good daughter…that’s kind of sick in itself.

 Even more profound is
how the passing of someone who has made your life miserable continues to have
the ability to control emotions from the grave. 
For there are times I will feel immense sadness and a deep
responsibility we were not closer…then I feel guilt for past decisions…followed
at times by relief…more guilt…anger upon reliving moments when she hurt others…

Here comes the guilt again…how does she do that?

Of course, the good news is I found healing…I found joy…and
I have a wonderful relationship with my own daughter.  I am not profoundly disappointed with life…I
am choosing to enjoy each day…even the difficult ones.  I tried to share all of this with her…she
would not allow it.

No, I will not see August:
Osage County.  

I hope all of you have a wonderful Saturday!! (Thank you for allowing me to process here)  Now, today's post is part of a Saturday blog hop with the talented writers of Midlife Boulevard....just go HERE